Mike's Home Page

Did I Miss Anyone?
Feb 26, 201511:36AM

Category: Politics
With thanks to my fans for many additions:

A man is drowning 50 feet from shore.
A Republican throws a 25 foot rope and tells the man to swim to it.
A Democrat throws a 50 foot rope, then drops his end and goes off to help someone else.
A Libertarian tells the man he'll throw a rope for $20.
A Socialist complains that the government should have rope throwers stationed around the lake against such an emergency, and America is a third world country for not providing this service.
A Green laments that the man will die and deserves it since he's polluting the water.  Then the Green will demand the lake be off limits so further drownings don't hurt aquatic animals.
The EPA will agree with the Greens and fine the man's family, then declare the lake a wetland and refuse to allow removal of anything, including his remains.
A Wahhabist will wait to find out the man's national origin and religion before either cheering his death, or blaming America for failing to save drowning Muslims.
If the man is black, Al Sharpton will fake a bunch of statistics showing blacks are more likely to drown and this is proof of white dominance and repression.
A white nationalist will wait to see if the man can get out alone. If not, he'll claim the man's death is due to inferior genes from other races weakening him.
A feminist will cheer that a future rape has been prevented.
A CEO will demand to know why the man wasn't at work and fire him posthumously.
His insurance company will insist it was a self-inflicted injury and not covered.
A marijuana activist will insist that if the man had smoked a couple of joints, he wouldn't have been in the lake and would have been fine.
A homeopath will grab a tube of the water, dilute it 1:10,000 and sell it as a cure for drowning.
The conspiracy groups will insist the man was killed by the Jewish Banker/Royal Family/FEMA/Bush-0bama conspiracy to keep him from talking.
Greenpeace will insist the man has "Water privilege" and he should be grateful to live in a nation where it's possible to drown.
Hashatag activists will share photos of the incident 6 miliion times with #Icantbreathewater and #yesallponds to draw attention to his plight.
Livestreamers and Youtubers will take video of him drowning, with selfie content to prove they were present.  20% will make duckfaces.
Crowdsourcers will each send in 4" of some sort of twine, string or rope, and wonder why it wasn't successful with a total of 300 feet.
Brian Williams will claim to have been present, under fire, while hauling the man in himself.
Dan Rather will insist that Brian Williams' reports are "fake, but accurate."
Fox News and Breitbart will report that 0bama's immigration policies led to the man drowning due to the resources being used by illegals.
A Former Green Beret Seal Marine will explain the proper way to avoid drowning and offer to sell the video for $24.95
Anti-Vaxxers wil claim the man was in shock induced by the combination of cold water on a metabolism weakened by the MMR vaccine, and not immunizing your kids will let them develop natural immunity to drowning.

The local police will claim they suspected him of cooking meth, which is why they didn't try to save him but did shoot his dog, and congratulate themselves on going home safe at the end of the shift.
The Bloc Quebecois and La Raza, supported by Occupy, will demand to know why the lake didn't have multilingual warning signs.

Bernie Sanders will Facebook meme that if the man had been at a job paying a $15/hr living wage, he wouldn't have been at the park drowning.
If the man is a cismale heteronormative straight white Christian male, SJWs will complain about the attention paid to him when thousands of POCGLBTQXYZs drown every day without media coverage.
An atheist will claim the man's drowning proved the non-existence of a loving god.
NPR will do a lengthy story interviewing a Georgetown professor about drowning in great works of literature.
Some asshole will insist it's 15.4 meters and Americans should standardize on 15 meters, not 50 feet.
History Channel 2 will insist that aliens were behind the drowning.
MSNBC will insist Republican obstructionism made it impossible for lifeguards to be present, but no one will watch the show anyway.
Eventually some decent person who will strip off, dive in and rescue the guy. Once ashore, they'll find their wallet, watch, and cellphone stolen, and get arrested for indecent exposure.  Then the state will sue them for not being licensed for water rescue.
His Congressman will introduce "The Safe Parks and Ponds Act" which will cost $5 billion, result in three agencies writing five different safety standards that are resolved after 7 lawsuits reach the Federal courts, but the rider ban on home-farming of turnips will remain.
A Christian homeschooler will blame secular public education, and make their children study the story of Noah's Ark.

China would issue a statement that the drowned man was violating waters that were their traditional maritime territory.

North Korea issues a statement condemning the drowning as a Capitalist propaganda ploy and claims that every year, a thousand thousand North Koreans drown far more skillfully.

Smart Dog
Feb 21, 201501:45AM

Category: General

My daughter's boyfriend's dog Halo is at the house for a few days due to some weather issues.  She's a Jack Russell/Chihuahua mix, small and lithe.

The first day over, he put her in the garage to keep her away from the cats and the allergic person (me). He took a nap before work.

A couple of hours later, she scratched at the garage door, and I let her in. He hadn't turned the lights on, and I expect she was bored.

She trotted down the hall, came back to the kitchen, and spoke to me in body language.

"Hello.  I can't find my boy."

I pointed down the hall and said, "First door on the left."  She raised haunches and lowered her head, "Thank you," and sure enough, she went right there, walked into the room, and looked up to see him sleeping on the bed.

"Yes, I see my boy.  But this is your house."

I said, "Yes, you can get on the bed," and pointed.

Again the thank you nod, and she jumped up and curled up at his side. She didn't move for four hours, and leaves the cats completely alone. She'll stay in whichever room she's told to stay in, patiently awaiting human companionship or instruction.

You can tell a lot about a man by his dog.

Back online
Feb 13, 201509:19PM

Category: General

Actually, I have been, but was still updating software.

I posted this article, and several of us discussed it. http://www.alloutdoor.com/2014/12/16/question-open-carry-advocates-muslims-start-it/

Someone observed that many Americans really aren't clear on the difference between Muslims and Sikhs.

I said:

Hell, Mormons are closer to Muslims than Sikhs are.

My point was that thinking that  "All those people in turbans are terrorists" is grossly untrue, especially as few Muslims wear turbans. That's a caricature that's wrong, and it's ignorant prejudice to think so.

I didn't pay much attention to the thread, but I got this IM a while later:

Andrew Rowley
Chat Conversation Start
7 hours ago

I am done, sick of the LDS attacks, you cant clump LDS with Muslims. Im out.

I said:

Sorry you're prejudiced.
Now, let's look at it: They both worship the same god, they both eschew drugs and booze, they both have or recently had support for polygamy.


Sikhs do none of the above.

So, "Mormons have more in common with Muslims than Sikhs" is not an attack. It is a factually correct statement.

So fuck off.

Andrew  Rowley said:
No they don not worship the same God. period... I see you for who you are a totally bigoted politically incorrect gun nut.... you only like to start controversy and will bring any topic into the matter. No hold barred. Nothing is sacred to you. You are so misguided in you pokes at religion. I' take the f comment as your final good bye.


I probably should be kind to him. If his reading skills match his writing skills, he probably has trouble grasping it.

So:  What I said was, "These religions have some aspects in common, but the other two have almost nothing in common."  Again, this is a factually correct statement.

Christians, Jews and Muslims are the Abrahamic religions, and use the same first five books—the Pentateuch.  Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy.  It's the same god. They see Him/it in different ways, but fundamentally, the same being.

And, gee, I guess all these people must be "totally bigoted" too:

Jesse: LDS and Islam are both Abrahamic religions. Sikhism is an independent faith established in the 15th century without any antecedents.

Based on those simple facts, Mike's statement seems pretty accurate.

Adam: Andrew Rowley: Michael is correct, both Islam and LDS are Abrahamic faiths, Sikhism is not. So there are a few commonalities between Muslims and Mormons, there is essentially none between either group and Sikhs.

Oh—Andrew deleted all his posts. He didn't actually want to discuss the matter.

Adam: Andrew: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abrahamic_religions

LDS is a branch of Christianity, which itself branched off Judaism. Islam also branched of Islam. All three branches are considered Abrahamic faiths.

Please do your research before accusing people of not knowing their way around basic families of religions.

Abrahamic religions - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Abrahamic religions (also Semitic religions) are the...

Nikhil: Sikhism is its own faith but broadly aligned with the Dharmic faiths (Hinduism and Buddhism). Some consider it an offshoot, most do not. The Eastern faiths (including Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, Sikhism, Taoism, and Shinto) have nothing to do with Western faiths and are built on wholly different philosophical premises.

The western faiths include Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. This is true historically, doctrinally, and epistemologically. Artificial distinction between Islam and other Western faiths is intellectually dishonest and well, silly.

Art: Andrew Rowley, I, too, am LDS. Our religion stems from a covenent from God as does the Muslim faith. The Muslim God and our God are the same God. It's how we gain approval of our God that things drastically change. Judaism is similar. The difference between Jews and us is that we believe Christ's first coming started with Christ's birth. Jews don't believe Christ was the Messiah. Muslims believe that Christ was an OK dude... but he was just a prophet. He was not Allah or any relation to Allah.

Obviously, you and I both know that things go in all kinds of different directions from there.

Sikhism is based off of none of the above. It is a practice and believe that is barely even theological in nature.

Mike is absolutely 100% correct. Islam is closer to the LDS religion than it is to Sikhism.

You need to ensure you know what you are talking about before you berate others, sir. Please use this opportunity to clean the egg off and let's get away from the Strawman.

(Wait, a Mormon is also an anti-Mormon bigot?  How is that possible?  Those evil fact things!)

Rick: The Christian God is NOT the same as the Muslim god. The Christian God is a Trinity - Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The Muslims view that as heretical polytheism. It is just plain wrong to equate them.
8 hrs · Like · 2

Adam: Rick: The Muslims, like the Jews, only recognize the Father, not the full Trinity. Allah (and YHWH) are in fact the same God, but only a part of the same god.
8 hrs · Like · 2

Steve (a Jew): Rick, whether you open your egg from the big end or the little end, it's still an egg.
12 hrs · Like

Greg: Wrong Adam. Muhammed CLAIMS they are the same, but they certainly are not. Muhammed was a plagerist of both the Old and New Testaments.
12 hrs · Like · 2

Art: Muhammad is not their God. He is their prophet.

The religions are both based from the same initial details.
12 hrs · Edited · Like · 1

Michael Z. Williamson Reminds me of a Catholic explaining to me how the Christian Trinity* is a trinity, but the Celtic trinity is only a trinity, not a trinity.

There ARE Christian sects who don't accept a literal trinity, considering it a metaphor.


So there we go. I'm sure we're all racist and this is Bush's fault.

But how can we have a proper discussion about Islam, when half the people out there don't even know what it is?

More next time.


Debit Your Privilege!
Jan 08, 201512:00AM

Category: Politics

Privilege seems to be a serious problem in America. Or at least, a serious problem for wealthy liberal students at Ivy League universities.

I believe I have a solution.  I call it "Privilege Bingo."

The first day of classes, all the freshmen, er, freshpersons, um, freshperoffsprings, will gather on the quad with their bingo cards. Each winner will be accorded a prize to reduce xir privilege and give them first hand understanding of the difficulties the lesser classes less privileged beings face.

"BINGO!" Our first winner!  They will be deprived of all their scholarships and grant money, being required to work minimum wage jobs while wearing a placard proclaiming "I am a person of low privilege." The other students should be very careful not to microaggress them by offering tips or donations.

"BINGO!"  How would you like to be a single mom of a mixed race baby?  No?  Well, too bad!  You'll also be awarded pole dancing lessons. The bright side is you will be eligible for tips from upper classbeings, and cat calls on the street.

"BINGO!" And five cops come out, taze the winner while hurling insults at him/jer/it before dragging them off and roughing them up across the hood of the police car. They will then be stuffed into a cell for three days with no phone calls.  Assuming they're white, of course. They'll be convicted of felony resisting arrest so all their resumes will be properly humble.

"BINGO!" They win disfigurement with a belt sander and knives so others gaze on them and are horrified. They'll have to endure the stares of others.

"BINGO!"  Five Jersey goons will smash this person's legs with bats, so they're forced to use a wheelchair for the duration. To ensure the full measure, they'll be assigned to a third floor dorm with a shared bathroom. (Are shared bathrooms actually a thing in the Ivy League?  If not, they should be.)

"BINGO!"  This student wins the chance to write all their papers in Dgèrnésiais, with points deducted for spelling and grammar errors, to show them what it's like not to have common 6th grade literacy linguistic privilege.

"BINGO!"  Gang rape. With video.  This student is especially lucky, because the PTSD will affect all their studies for the year.  As a bonus, five rednecks will be assigned to follow them around and crack rape jokes.  If they're male, the jokes will be about turning "kwar."

This should improve the quality of education, with students deprived of unfair privilege and brought to a level playing field with their peers.

And remember: You can't spell "Privilege" without PIV.



"Homicide" is a legal finding of death, and not the same as "murder."

There are only five legal ways to die--homicide, suicide, accident, natural causes, and unknown.

A finding of "homicide" means the cause is known and applied by an outside agent. That is all. It confers no guilt upon any party.

If one dies during the commission of a crime, the criminals are deemed to have performed the act, since their actions led to it.

IOW, Garner murdered himself when he made the stupid decision to ignore 6 cops using physical means.

I disapprove of the event, but the nomenclature is descriptive, not accusative.

My ancestors knew this game. They were experts at it.


Rudyard Kipling


A.D. 980-1016
It is always a temptation to an armed and agile nation
  To call upon a neighbour and to say: --
"We invaded you last night--we are quite prepared to fight,
  Unless you pay us cash to go away."

And that is called asking for Dane-geld,
  And the people who ask it explain
That you've only to pay 'em the Dane-geld
  And then  you'll get rid of the Dane!

It is always a temptation for a rich and lazy nation,
  To puff and look important and to say: --
"Though we know we should defeat you, we have not the time to meet you.
  We will therefore pay you cash to go away."

And that is called paying the Dane-geld;
  But we've  proved it again and  again,
That if once you have paid him the Dane-geld
  You never get rid of the Dane.

It is wrong to put temptation in the path of any nation,
  For fear they should succumb and go astray;
So when you are requested to pay up or be molested,
  You will find it better policy to say: --

"We never pay any-one Dane-geld,
  No matter how trifling the cost;
For the end of that game is oppression and shame,
  And the nation that pays it is lost!"

The Meh of the Five Armies
Dec 17, 201403:23AM

Category: General

As you gather from the title, this wasn't what I'd hoped.

First, we got punished for reserving for the midnight showing.  After that got booked nationwide, someone in production or distribution decided to open up earlier slots in the evening for all the people who didn't respond in time. So the latecomers managed to book earlier shows.

I'd hoped to see it on the Imax screen, but that was reserved for people doing the three movie marathon, and that was 8 hours I didn't want to sit in the theater.

So there were about a dozen of us in a standard theater. And the guy behind me kept practicing a tap dancing routine (literally) every two or three minutes (literally).  When I finally couldn't take it anymore and asked him to stop, he did.

On to the movie.

The problem with this section of the story is there's not a lot of character to discover, other than Thorin's fall, which was done well enough.  We have good character background on the others, and there's not much more to develop.

We did get to see the reveal of Sauron and the foreshadowing of the threat to come, and Saruman showed some depth, because Christopher %#$@ing Lee is awesome.

Laketown is too far from the mountain here, so rather than the refugees using the perfectly serviceable forest with game, timber, fresh water and nearby fish, they move up into the abandoned town across from the mountain, miles from anywhere, and are short of rations. Duh.

The battle was a huge mess, with some good scenes including the shield ramping, but otherwise was hack and slash from different POVs for an hour.  We've seen this before. The dwarves smashed, the elves shot and slashed, the men did what they could.

The cherry atop the turd was the resolution of the love arc between Fili and Tauriel.  Everyone saw it coming, and Jackson had a chance to NOT be cliche, and sold out.  Everyone was rolling their eyes and groaning, though some of that might have been the scenery protesting at being chewed.

It's one weak movie of six, but since it's the conclusion of this arc, it diminishes the entirety of The Hobbit.  They could have got as much material into two slightly longer movies, or they could have used this one to delve into more backstory, more detail on different fighting styles or overall strategy.

You're going to see it just to resolve the trilogy, but don't expect to be blown away.  It's once again "We need MOAR! special effects and mayhem or people won't watch!" sellout and cliche. 

Is Ferguson Still A Thing?
Dec 14, 201411:11PM

Category: Politics

A certain SF writer I blocked a long time ago, expressed the opinion, "If you're white, you're not entitled to an opinion about Ferguson."

Well, that's nice.

Dear Fascist, The First Amendment of the US Constitution guarantees my right and entitlement to an opinion on anything I want.

Dear Hypocrite, for someone who claims to support free speech and is in the business of it, this is about the 10th time I've heard you espouse limiting those rights based on your politics.

Dear white guy, you're whiter than cream cheese, so shouldn't you take your own advice, there in your 98% white upper middle class liberal neighborhood in California?

Dear racist, my skin color is not relevant to my right to talk.

Please go fuck yourself with a waffle iron.


As to other ignorant comments I hear all over:

"Why wasn't there a trial?"
There was. The Grand Jury is the first step in a trial.  You should have learned this in 7th grade. If not, perhaps you should refrain from commenting.

"He only got shot because he's black."

No, he got shot because he was a murderous piece of shit thug, and white guys get shot for the same thing all the time. Google will find you thousands of them.

I have personally watched, in the black neighborhood I lived in, a shoplifter spill merchandise from his coat, then tell the officer who grabbed him, "You're just arrestin' me cuz I'm black." The arresting officer...was black.

Same officer asked a woman not to park in a handicapped space since she clearly wasn't and had no tag.  "You're just hasslin' me cuz I'm black."  It seems to be a default bleat with some people.

"Black people get shot more." Yes, but usually by other black people.  As far as by cops, no, not really.

If you want questionable cases, Tamir Rice's murder is a good one to focus on.  

There are two types of people in the Ferguson debate. Racists, and people who understand Brown was a thug attempting murder.

You Asked For It
Dec 14, 201405:06PM

Category: Writing


Flogging my collection of snark, satire, random internet bombs, hurled epithets and commentary.  These are my deliberate misinterpretations, vitriolic comments, puns, anecdotes and thoughts on everything, collected from several years of online posting and content.  Just in time for Christmas for that person you hate.

Eventually, I'll have download direct from the website, and possibly paper copies.

Enjoy. Or not. Doesn't matter.  Just give me money. That's what matters.

And remember:  Hugo Chavez is not a line of clothing. I stand corrected.