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WTF is Comicsgate?
Oct 10, 201810:15PM

Category: Humor

Apparently, some group or other has put together a blacklist for some reason unknown to some event unknown of people involved with Comicsgate, and I'm on the list.

I'm flattered.  Seriously.  Most authors have a fan club. I actually have a hate club, who spend a lot of mental capital hating me, instead of finding something else to do.  So in actuality, they're a fan club composed of passive-aggressive failures.  But hey, it's still attention. So this is either an expansion of the hate club or a SECOND hate club!  That's pretty fucking cool.

I guess I'd be more flattered if I knew what "Comicsgate" is, and what association I have with it.  I mean, I can mostly guess whether a superhero is Marvel or DC from the movie ads I occasionally see on Fecesbook.  I'm aware there are stores that sell comics.  I'm aware there are collectible comics.  I know who the Justice League are from kid's TV. I know the guy who builds the officially licensed Batmobiles.

That's about it.

I don't read comics, write comics, write about comics, collect comics or notice comics. So it's a bit of a surprise to find out I apparently have a political opinion about comics that is unpopular enough and visible enough to get me pre-banned from something or other comic related, which I'm still not aware of any details about.

As far as attending whatever event this is, the rules would be the same as for any other event.  There's Category A, which are a handful of cons I pay to go to, and have since the 1980s, when I have the time, to hang out with friends and do nothing, though I'm happy to sign books if people ask me to.  Then there's Section 2, which means you're either letting me show up as a vendor, and have a market I can derive income from thereby, or you're paying my gas/airfare, hotel and per diem, to cover the loss of professional writing time I'm losing for those 3-5 days. As the famous advice says, "Fuck You, Pay Me."

Oh, and there's Division c: DragonCon, which I pay to attend as guest and vendor because it's a huge fucking orgy of profit, Scotch tasting, cosplaying, paneling, and evenings with my wife and our girlfriend.

So banning me from whatever you think you're banning me from is about like telling me I'm not welcome at the Live Agenda Studies Poetry Night at the Local Liberal Arts College Coffee Shop In Seattle. (I live in Indiana.)

Bitch, I'll be fine.

One favor, though, please: Let me know ahead of time that you're blacklisting me so I can share it, because that's marketing fucking gold to the people who are actually capable of, and actually do, read my BOOKS. Not comics.

Not that I have anything against comics, you understand.  I just don't move in that circle.

US Civil War:  Democrats fought to keep their slaves.

1 million casualties.

Democrat James K Polk, Mexican-American War.

17,000 casualties.

WWI--Democrat Woodrow Wilson and a Democrat Congress authorized the carrying of war materiel on US merchant ships, thus making those ships legitimate military targets.

320,000 casualties.

WWII--Democrat FDR and a Democrat Congress authorized the carrying of war materiel on US merchant ships, and naval vessels to protect such ships and fire on German commerce raiders, thus initiating violence against a foreign power.  

1,076,000 casualties.

Korea--Democrat Harry Truman and a Democrat Congress authorized US involvement in a land war in Asia.

128,000 casualties.

Vietnam--Democrat Harry Truman authorized economic aid for another land war in Asia. Democrat JFK sent the first combat troops. Lyndon BJ sent thousands more US combat troops, all under Democrat Congresses.

211,000 casualties.

Dominican Republic--Democrat Lyndon BJ

330 casualties.

~~~

75% of violent criminals identify as Democrats.

The solution is obvious.

Outlaw the Democratic Party under RICO, arrest and jail all members, and US violence will largely disappear.

I told my friends this needed to be a thing.

Dick Evans came up with this script:

 

This is Old Spice, this is New Spice, These are the Spice girls (BANG BANG BANG) - That's Splatter Art! Old Spice!

This is me offending you with out deodorant. This is me doing the exact same thing with deodorant on! Guess where.

This is me on a horse that's now a Unicorn, this is me having my way with the unicorn... actually that's it. Old Spice

 

Now someone needs to film it.

Over the Hedge:

This is the story of RJ, a raccoon (Quisquiliae Ailurapoda) who is a textbook thieving socialist.  We start the movie with him stealing from a hibernating bear. Despite cautioning himself to only "take what he needs," he tries to steal everything on hand, including the food from the bear's paws. Once a socialist has an opening, they will always go too far, and RJ does. 

RJ gets caught, and resorts to fast talking and promises of extravagant returns if only the bear won't kill him, arguing that if the bear does, he'll have to repeat all that labor himself.  The bear grudgingly grants a grace period for compensation of RJ's crimes, and releases him on parole.

Denied a Have to leech off, RJ scavenges through trash for food and finds little.  He takes his bag of minimal possessions and goes stalking a new subdivision of Haves he hopes to exploit for the debt he's already acquired, and the resources he needs moving forward. This uncannily matches every Five Year Plan the USSR ever had. 

Without shills, Socialists starve, so he also seeks accomplices.  He finds them in the form of a motley band of foragers just waking from hibernation.

Being a dedicated socialist, he goes full Bernie Sanders, persuading the foragers that they can have all the good stuff for free, just by taking it from the leftovers of the Haves. They do so, oblivious of the wreckage they leave behind. RJ is aware, but doesn't care.  There's always more loot to be had.

Vern, the patriarchal conservative tortoise, loudly denounces RJ as taking advantage of the gullibility and stupidity of the group.  Offended by his presentation of documentable truth, they turn away from him entirely, and hug socialism to their bosoms. Hilarity and disaster ensue, as they always do, because socialists are gullible and stupid and never learn.

When an exterminator, representing capitalist power, is brought in, they realize they should retreat to safety and live within their means, but once again, RJ the Politician persuades them that enough just isn't enough, that they must enter the very homes of the people and steal goods directly.

Keep in mind this is to enrich himself personally by his position, and pay off the bear who has a legal claim against his very life if he doesn't furnish compensation. The bear represents a bank or investor who acted in good faith, but was screwed over by claims of "fairness."  RJ is a textbook democrat, stealing with one hand, lying about it, and feeding his sponsor with the other hand lest he become lunch himself.

The house is a shambles, the homeowner imprisoned for attempting to defend her premises, the exterminator deemed a villain for attempting to enforce the rules of society, and the bear is forcibly removed from the home where he was doing nothing wrong.  What was a functional system is totally destroyed.

And the socialists retreat to the life they had before, enhanced by the rotting remains of capitalist production, blissfully unaware that when it runs out they'll return to the edge of starvation. Then they'll repeat this pattern of behavior, and wonder why it never works out in the end, and why exterminators keep coming to kill them.

AFTERNOTE: It does deserve credit for showing the dangers of energy drinks on excitable youth.

Some Fights You'll Never Win
Jun 24, 201512:32AM

Category: Humor

So, even though some murderous little punk wore the flags of two defunct nations on his jacket, it inevitably became about the Confederate battle banner. Which doesn't fly over the SC capital, but what do facts matter?

Several major retailers stopped selling merchandise with that image, and, under pressure, eBay and Amazon folded, too. They'll still sell Swastikas, SS death's heads, The Turner Diaries, etc, but those are okay, I guess.

So it started with me telling Amazon, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!:

 

And I figured this one would have a nice cognitive dissonance, too, though someone pointed out Tennessee might actually do it:

 

 

And there's this variation, which definitely belongs on a wife beater:

 

 

To which someone responded with this:

 

And someone actually questioned the orientation of the Swastika, as if it isn't free to live the orientation it feels itself to be.

 

Well, we're up to THIS:

 

 

And at some point, one of these is going on a shirt.

But what if you "Enjoy Tasty Bacon"?

 

And it's going viral, and seems to have started a meme.

Someone just sent me these:

 

 

 

Have Fun Scamming a Scammer
Nov 28, 201401:24AM

Category: Humor

So, some guy calls the house, claims to be a Treasury agent, informs Gail our 2010 taxes are not paid, and that we're guilty of yadda yadda and about to be arrested, etc.

Now, we are currently resolving an issue with the IRS over MONEY THEY OWE US.  2009 and 2010 have been resolved, we have received refunds, and letters confirming settlement to mutual satisfaction.

She mentioned this fact, along with "Taxpayer advocate," and the guy hung up on her.

Had she stayed on the line, he was going to demand a prepaid Visa number for some insane amount of money, and repeat until we had nothing left.  And we'd have known as soon as he asked it was a  scam.

Because he hung up before presenting the scam, we weren't entirely sure, until I called back, got some non-English speaker who didn't know the proper terms, referenced some complicated forn number, then insisted on reading (And you are not allowed to interrupt) a lengthy "advisory" about debt, attempt to defraud, in violation of, etc., all scary sounding stuff that CANNOT ACTUALLY exist unless and until there is a trial and conviction.

I called him a scamming piece of shit, insulted his ancestry, penis size, worthlessness as a human being for working for shit wages for criminals, his lack of privilege, etc, then hung up.

But, these people do scam honest and usually poor people out of a lot of money.

So, if you'd like to play, please call 323-786-0626.  They will want your phone number to reference to the "Case number."  But I'm sure if you insist your name is Heywood Jablomi or Mike Hunt or Woodie Pfisterbotham, and you DEFINITELY spoke to Mr Thomas Benson (the name he gave me), can they PLEASE find the file because you don't want to go to jail, that the greedy slimefuckers will find a "case number."  At which point you can start tying them up with fake card numbers, or continue to mock their penis size.

Frankly, I don't know why law enforcement and the phone companies can't just disconnect these scumbags by the fourth complaint.  I'm not sure why they can't run 50Kv through the lines and electrocute the fuckers in the act. Someone flopping on the ground doing the Neutron Dance might have a salutory effect on the attitudes of the others.

I Will Be Going to WisCon!
Nov 20, 201411:50PM

Category: Humor

And I'd like you to join me.

I plan to make up some shirts with this:

And with statements like "SHITLORD" and "Cisgender heteronormative male oppressor."

Over those, we'll wear beach babe tropical shirts.

I recommend a beard, and an (unlit) cigar.

I expect to be attacked by femorrhoids.  We shall laugh at their hatred and ignore their whines. If attacked physically, we shall have them arrested for battery. Remind them that cosplay is not consent, and no matter how we're dressed, we're not asking for it.

My room will be a safe haven for the privileged, and you must prove privilege to enter.  We will drink Scotch and discuss how a belief in privilege equates to a belief in white/male/cishet genetic superiority.

I expect the lamentations to be epic.

Single Payer Legal Aid
Oct 29, 201309:43AM

Category: Humor

The Constitution gives one the right to a speedy trial, by jury of peers, with representation. If one is indigent, an attorney will be appointed for you.

Well and good, but what about people who are not quite indigent, but lack the resources to keep a lawyer on retainer?  Surveys show that 50 million Americans lack adequate legal representation.  At $200 per hour or more, it's simply out of reach of many Americans.

It seems only reasonable that we should pool resources to protect people against errors in justice, and to support them in time of need for resolving disputes.  Legal representation is a right, and in the modern world, a necessity.

We could simply require attorneys to take clients on account.  We could think of this as insurance (And this is already done).  But by making it mandatory for all Americans, the cost is spread among everyone.

We could have different levels of plan, though all should cover criminal defense, child protection, divorce and bankruptcy protection at a minimum.  This would apply even to those who are single without kids, because only by pooling people do we gain benefit.  Other people's divorces have an effect on your life, even if you don't see it--police responses to disputes, unemployment and child care issues.

Ultimately, we should find some way to make the government the single payer for legal needs, with set rates for set processes.

Legal representation is a right.  It's time to stop treating it as a for-profit business.

BANNED FROM FACEBOOK!
Jul 17, 201311:33PM

Category: Humor

Yup.  Last night I made a post on Debasebook. This morning, I got this message popup:

~~~

We Removed Something You Posted

We removed this from Facebook because it violates our Community Standards:
To be properly sensitive, in the future, I will not use the word "Chigger." I will refer to them either as "chegroes" or "arthropods of color."

You're Temporarily Blocked
You're temporarily blocked from posting on Facebook for the next 12 hours. Please review our Community Standards so you can understand what's allowed on Facebook and keep your account in good standing.

~~~ 

There are any number of "Kill (someone)" pages, any number of racial hate pages actually using the word "Nigger."  There are pages encouraging violence against women, against liberals, conservatives, blacks, Hispanics, whites, all good for FB, but God help you if you make a JOKE about those kinds of people.

 So, at my request, a few friends reposted the message on my wall, and others joined them.  By the count I have, I gained 30 friends and sold about 300 additional books, which will reflect in my May 2014 royalties.  Thanks for the support.

 So what can we take away from this:

Some people have no sense of humor.

 Some FB responders are not real bright.

 A few are downright niggardly.

 You can't stop the signal.

 The Streisand Effect is real.

 Sniggers are not Black Smurfs.  I stand corrected.

 Mel Brooks could make these people absolutely SHIT themselves.

 All kinds of other words that rhyme may be at risk—Bigger, Rigger, Trigger, Jigger (Wish I'd remembered THAT one when making the drink recipe for the Black Klansman), Digger, Vigor, Sligar.

 The Vikings may have created speed dating.

Cookie Monster should be targeted for a drone strike.

 Darth Vader does not wear a gimp suit.

To my new friends, welcome!  Thanks for stopping by. Enjoy the wall.  I can't promise you won't be offended.  If you're not offended, don't worry, I'll get to you.

Given the notoriety I received, I need to try for a week next time.

"No one wants to take your guns away."

"They just said they want to take away guns."

"Well, yes, but only certain, supermodern, ultrapowerful guns."

"This gun is half the power of a hunting rifle."

"Yes, that makes it more dangerous, because of less kickback. And stuff."

"It was designed in the 1950s."

"Well, technically, yes.  But it got a new plastic thingy last year.  So it's ultramodern."

"The plastic thingy is an adjustable stock for different clothing or shooter statures.  It's been around since the 1960s."

"Right.  But we just found out about it."

"And they want to ban this gun."

"It looks scary."

"So if it didn't look scary, it would be okay?  Like this pink gun?"

"Yes.  Well, no.  Now it looks like a toy."

"So it can't look scary, and it can’t look non-scary?"

"Right."

"So which guns would that leave?"

"Well, the other non-scary, non-non-scary guns."

"But all guns scare you."

"Yes, but I have a right to feel safe, after all."

"Really?  What about my right to feel safe?"

"Well, you're paranoid, so you don't count."

"So you ARE taking away guns."

"Well no."

"You just said you were."

"I said I was not."

"But you just took my gun!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did.  I don't have it anymore. You have it."

"Oh, this. Right. Well, it's not a non-scary gun, nor a non-non-scary gun, nor a hunting gun—"

"I hunt with that."

"No you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"Well, we think you should hunt with something else."

"Look, the Founders weren't concerned about deer uprisings, they were concerned about despots and people taking their guns."

"No they weren't."

"Yes they were. That's what they specifically said you can't take our guns."

"No they didn't."

"What?"

"They said you couldn't take THEIR guns.  YOUR guns are entirely different."

"How?"

"Because they're…new.  And scary."

"So give it back."

"No.  I don't feel like it."

"But you said you weren't going to take our guns."

"Oh, that.  Right. Well…oh, good, here comes an inaccurate cartoon making fun of you.  We win."

"The bloody hell you do."  BANG