So here's the text of the petition, interspersed with my comments:
Our names are Amanda and Sophia. One day in science class, we came upon an article on plastic straws. The article stated that Americans use more than 500 million straws a day- and throw them away. That is equivalent to 125 school buses filled with plastic straws. We also learned that by 2050, there will be more plastic in the ocean than fish.
Well, Amanda and Sophia, one of the first things you should learn is that most of these so-called "articles" are bullshit. If it's on youtube, assume it's bullshit.┬á On a petition site, assume it's bullshit. Twitter: Bullshit. Any kind of pop-news site: bullshit. The latter are especially bad.┬á They only want ad dollars. In fact, the "article" you read was written by a 9 year old girl.┬á┬áAs far as studies done by 9 year old girls go, it's probably an A for effort, C for results. As far as an actual science article, F-. About like listening to a Kindergarten choir and thinking you heard music.┬á┬áWhen people start believing 9 year old girls are experts on thermodepolymerization and marine biology, we as a society are fucked.
You probably saw that touching picture of a turtle with a straw in his nose, right?┬á And assumed that had to be pollution.┬á Well, you'd be wrong.
I also read a science article, and it gave a number of alternative reasons that turtle might have a straw up his nose:
The turtle may be a coke head, and used that straw to snort cocaine.
The turtle may be mentally retarded and attempted to snort the straw directly.
The turtle may be a domestic abuser and the straw was the only way his spouse had of defending herself, since liberals have already made it illegal for turtles to own firearms for self defense.
In all these cases, he should not pass his defective genes onto his species.
Being serious, however, it's one picture of one turtle (who probably is retarded, even by turtle standards) (which are even lower than the standards we use for people who believe "science" "Articles" written by 9 year old girls) (Though just barely).
Those numbers concern us. So when we joined the Earth Club at our school, the leader suggested using change.org, which is how we came upon this website. All 500 million of these plastic straws end up in a landfill or worse, the ocean. When plastic straws get into the ocean, the fish mistake it for food, eat it, and get sick or die. In fact, science shows that when you eat fish, you might as well be eating plastic!
In fact, science shows nothing of the kind, and your club leader is a fucking communist.┬á I recommend studying the aerodynamics of falling leftists for a far more productive science project.
We both think that Dunkin Donuts is a very tasty and an influential company. By choosing this business, we hope to make them take this issue very seriously. These shops have a lot of people coming in every day, almost all of them getting cold beverages containing plastic straws. However, those straws add up to┬álandfill and get into the ocean. Dunkin' Donuts is a very successful company, so if they start banning straws, wonΓÇÖt others follow their lead?
Ah, I see you know as much about business as you do about science.┬á No, in fact there's a good chance that by jumping on some bullshit tree-hugging hippie-crap trend they'll lose a bunch of customers. Then, next week when you find some cool new "science" to follow, that says a boiled egg and pepper diet is the best way to lose weight, you'll be all over that, and demanding McDonald's sell boiled eggs with extra sized pepper packets.
In fact, here's an actual (pop, meaning dumbed down for normal people) science article about how eco-communists are in fact fucking the ecosystem with their bullshit:
So please sign this petition and share it with your friends to help the environent, and the world we all live in. Remember, #StrawsSuck! Thank you!
No, I will not sign your bullshit petition. This will be one of your first lessons in the disappointment of life.
Seriously, it's great that you're concerned, but the first thing you need to learn is that documented facts, properly interpreted are science, and "Trends" on the internet are bullshit.
Please write that 1000 times and then get back to your homework.┬á Also, ask your parents to find a better school, that also knows this difference.
Oh, and I'm making sure Dunkin knows I like plastic straws and they shouldn't bow to stupidity.