Michael Z. Williamson
  • Scamming scammers.

    My friend Nicki hates scammers as much as I do, and has a much more twisted mind. I didn't think that was possible.
    Submitted for your approval:

    ----- Original Message -----

    From: pamela lyte
    To: pamela.lyte5@caramail.com
    Sent: Monday, April 26, 2004 4:51 AM

    Subject: My dear in the lord,

    ''I CRAVE YOUR INDULGENCE". Attn: My dear in the lord,

    Your first reaction to this mail will be total rejection, scare and may be unbelief, owing largely to the atrocities people commit these days.

    But this mail comes from a devastated, sorrowful and emotional ladened soul that needs compassion from a kind and good spirited person to wipe away my tears, perhaps when I am gone beyond this sinful world. As an international subject, therefore, with due respect and apology, I want you to handle it very descreetly, confidentially and with utmost secrecy.

    For the sake of my children, who are the cardinal focus of this mail; for their future survival and to avoid embarrassment, I do not want our family name to be advertised or publicly discussed. Please, treat it as such and keep it permanently private. If you would not be in the position to co-operate, please, forgive me for disturbing your peace. Ignore and delete this message.

    I plead in the name of God. My purpose of writing to you is to seek your assistance to handle and manage my late husband's financial assets and take adequate care of our young children,lyte,14years and Jennifer, 9years. They are both studying in the American International school, Accra, Ghana.

    My name is Mrs. Pamela Tracy. Hantger. I am an American, a widow of circumstance, married to a Swedish Engineer who resided here in Cotonou, Benin Republic with me before his untimely death. My husband died in An Auto crash while going to diagnose and seek medical attention for a sickness that defied medical treatment. Presently, I am diagnosed to have a third degree HIV virus and therefore suffering a terminal sickness of ACQURIED IMMUNE DEFICIENCY SYNDROMME -AIDS -. I may die any moment but wish you to assist in keeping the family name and circle alive.

    This mail is written for me by the matron of this hospital as I am too weak to engage in any other physical endeavors.

    Documented proofs for confirmation, on request, could be provided. I have entrusted the sum of US$17,000,000.00 (Seventeen Million Dollars), the accrued savings and life insurance gratuity of my late husband, with the custody of Ochipek Security & Finance Trust Company here in otonou, the Republic of Benin.

    Be informed that this company and the lawyer does not know that the box I deposited with the Ochipek Security & Finance Trust Company contained raw cash. I only told them that it was personal belongings. It is handled by a Lawyer.

    See contacts below. I want you to liase with the Lawyer and recover the money for your prudent care, management and safe keeping. Use it to secure travelling papers for my children to leave Accra, Ghana and train them as your adopted children.

    I place no conditions on your management except taking good care of my children. I am not fearful of death but i am seriously worried about the safety and future survival of my two children.

    (Contact): (1) Attn: BARRISTER JUDE MOHA (Senior Advocate of Benin) BARRISTER JUDE MOHA & Co.Chambers-BJMc.Benin. B.P 16 Cotonou, Benin Republic. E-mail: judemohachambers@justice.com, judemohachambers@justice.com. Phone: +229 94 31 55.

    At the moment and till I die, my correspondence with you will be through e-mail. I may not have the opportunity to speak with you while on my sick bed. You should contact the Lawyer to do the change of ownership from my name into your name and identity to enable you collect the money from the Finance and Trust Company here in Cotonou, the Republic of Benin. This is the only condition that will give you the right of ownership and full beneficiary status.

    I want this transaction to be handled with dispatch before I give up the ghost. I will appreciate it the more if you give me your reply no matter your state of mind, negatively or positively, it is alright.

    Please, reply . Thanks and God bless. Mrs. Pamela. Tracy. Hantger. Christian General hospital, Cotonou, Republic of Benin




    Subject: Re: My dear in the lord,
    Date: Mon, 26 Apr 2004 18:48:54 -0400
    From: Nicki Fellenzer <nickif@deleted.com>
    To: pamela.lyte5@caramail.com
    CC: judemohachambers@justice.com
    References: 1

    My dear Pamela,

    I am so sorrowful to hear of your dreadful disease! The pain must be atrocious and you must be so frightened for your two dear little children.

    A fellow American, sick, despondent, desperate and dying would never "disturb my peace." I feel for you. Truly. I feel for you and your precious little ones.

    You are very lucky to have contacted me, as I fully support adoption. I don't care about the money. Really. All I care about is ensuring that your beautiful kids get a good, stable and loving home. So please, just keep your money. Burn it, give it to charity, whatever you want to do. I have plenty of money, and I have absolutely no need of your cash. I don't need it and I don't want it. Send me pictures of your gorgeous children instead, and I'll make appropriate arrangements for them.

    How long have you had AIDS, dear? How did you get it? Was it the monkeys? The yak? Anally? Orally? I want to know that you are well taken care of, dear. I need to know that the doctors are making you comfortable in your last days. I need to know they are giving you nightly rectal examinations and injections of thick seminal fluid milked from the warm inguen of a camelopardalis. Please let me know if I can contact the doctors on your behalf and force them to do the right thing for you during your last days.

    Now rest. Please. Just send me the pictures and birth certificates of your young and I will do the rest.

    Much love, Papilloma Warte




    Subject: Re: From The secretary of Barr. Moha J.
    Date: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 19:11:10 -0400
    From: Nicki Fellenzer <nickif@deleted.com>
    To: Jude Moha <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    References: 1

    Attn:Mr Papilloma Warte From:Barrister Jude Moha Esq, judemohachambers & associates. +229 943 155.

    Dear Sir,

    Thanks for your mail and your concern over Mrs. Pamela's situation and children. The contents of your mail is well noted.

    However before I will send you any of the documents you required, I will like you to understand that this documents are the life proofs of Mrs. Pamela's children and I cannot just send it to you like that without having your full contact information's. In that case you have to send me your full information's which includes the first and send pages of your international passport or driving license and also my consultation fee of $1,650, and as soon as you meet up the requirements I will send you all the information's your requested via email and fax any one you wish to have them.

    That's all for now I will make sure that I inform the doctors of your suggestion over Mrs. Pamela's case and you also have to know that all these will cost much money.

    I will be expecting to hear from you soonest.

    Thank and regards,

    Henry Ugoh Secretary to Honourable Barrister Jude Moha Esq, +229 943 155. FindLaw - Free Case Law, Jobs, Library, Community http://www.FindLaw.com Get your FREE @JUSTICE.COM email! http://mail.Justice.com




    Dear Henry,

    It is perfectly understandable that you would require some identification before sending me the birth certificates and other records I need to complete the adoption. Ergo, I am enclosing a copy of my driver's license, which contains a photo and the contact information you require. I am attaching it to this email. Rest assured, sir, that this information is completely secure. It is encrypted and protected by the Affirmed Security Standardized Home Organizational Lookout Evader. I would hope that you and the Barrister will keep my personal information completely private, as I cannot afford any government scrutiny and I certainly would not want to endanger the safety and security of the children in question.

    I would also ask you to encrypt all their information and send it to me electronically. I would hope you have the Affirmed Security Standardized Home Organizational Lookout Evader (Version 2.9) on your computers at the office. If not, I am very willing to help you purchase a copy of this security software for a discount price of $974.99. This is a very good price, as the security system normally retails for $1,399.75. If, however, your computer system is incompatible with the Affirmed Security Standardized Home Organizational Lookout Evader, I can help you install the Domestic Investigation Computer Keyword Hacker Evader Assistance Database. It is also a very good system, but a bit more expensive. Let me know which you prefer.

    Re: your consultation fee. Since I do not have you officially on retainer yet, but rather, you are the advocate for Pamela, I will need to draw up a contract for you and me to sign, nominating you as my advocate as well before I can send you a check for your fee. I am sure there will be no conflict of interest, since Mrs. Pamela and I are interested in the same outcome to this sad, sad tale. I called my attorney in the great city of Fairfax, Virginia, and he is drawing up the legal contract papers as we speak. I should have them for you tomorrow. All you will need to do is have the Barrister sign them and send them to me via a secure means such as FedEx or UPS. I will cut you a check for whatever you require as soon as I receive the signed contract. Since the lives of two precious children are involved, I trust you will expedite the matter.

    I realize Pamela's treatment will be expensive. And I am prepared to foot the bill completely. However, before any medical bills are sent to me, I want to review all the case files. I am a fully qualified physician, and I want to ensure that Pamela is getting the best treatment possible. My team and I have been working on specialized treatment for AIDS, and we are very close to finding a definitive cure. But in the meantime, please inform the hospital that they are not to bill me, Pamela, you, the Barrister or ANYONE else until I see her full case file. I need to ensure the anal fissures are healing properly. The warm spermatozoa can be quite irritating and could cause anal oozing if not applied properly. The doctors should be taking medical photographs of Pamela's rectum after the insertion. I will need copies of those as well to ensure that the treatment is being administered properly.

    In the meantime, please find a copy of my driver's license attached to this communication. I will expect the documentation on the children in your next communication. These are to include passport photographs, birth certificates, immunization records, health records, school records and complete psychiatric workups. Additionally, I will need proof of proctological exams as well.

    Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter, Henry. I hope – for the children's sake -- that it can be resolved expeditiously.

    Sincerely, Papilloma Warte

    SEE ATTACHED PICTURE OF THE DRIVERS’ LICENSE




    ----- Original Message -----
    From: "Jude Moha" <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    To: <nickif@deleted.com>
    Sent: Thursday, April 29, 2004 5:41 AM
    Subject: Re: From The secretary of Barr. Moha J.

    Attn:Mr Papilloma Warte From:Barrister Jude Moha Esq, judemohachambers & associates. +229 943 155.

    Dear Sir,

    Your mail is well noted and understood. I will be expecting the contract draft for me to sign as requested and after all is done and my consultaion fees payed, I will send you all the documental information's of Mrs. Pamela and her children.

    Meanwhile the attachment of your driving license refused to open here, I advice that you send it through Jpg.

    Henry Ugoh. Secretary to Barr. Moha, +229 943 155. FindLaw - Free Case Law, Jobs, Library, Community > http://www.FindLaw.com > Get your FREE @JUSTICE.COM email! > http://mail.Justice.com

    (Yep. They’re trying to use FINDLAW as a cover. I’ll delete that from hereon out.)




    Subject: Re: From The secretary of Barr. Moha J.
    Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 18:51:58 -0400
    From: Nicki Fellenzer <nickif@deleted.com>
    To: Jude Moha <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    References: 1

    Henry,

    I am not sure why you could not view the copy of my driver's license. I am sure it has something to do with your Access System Security protocols. I highly recommend you install the system I recommended. However, in the meantime, please find a jpg version of my license for your perusal.

    Please also find a copy of the contract you will need to sign in order to receive your fee. Please print out the copy of the contract, have the Barrister sign and date it post haste, notarize it and use either Federal Express or UPS to ship it to my attorney. As soon as I receive the signed and notarized contract, I will make arrangements for the Barrister to receive his fee. May I also mention a healthy financial incentive for you for all your generous help! Please ensure that the document is signed and notarized as quickly as possible, as I am anxious to get this transaction underway.

    In the meantime, Henry, I was wondering if I could possibly ask you for a favor. My wife Gonorrhea and I are so excited about these new additions to our family! We cannot wait! Could you possibly, please send just a couple of small pictures of the children? I understand you are under legal obligation to the family and that you cannot disburse their legal papers until the contract is signed, but could you please send some pictures? Please? Just to make our hearts soar with joy! I would really appreciate it, and so would Gonorrhea.

    God bless you. Papilloma Warte

    SEE COPY OF ATTACHED DOCUMENT




    ----- Original Message -----
    From: "Jude Moha" <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    To: <nickif@deleted.com>
    Sent: Friday, April 30, 2004 4:09 AM
    Subject: Urgent Confirmation.

    Attn:Mr.Papilloma Warte From:Barrister Jude Moha Esq, judemohachambers & associates. +229 943 155.

    Dear Sir,

    The contract document and the drivers license have been confirmed and viewed. I want to inform you that due to the high cost of express post here, I cannot be able to send you the contract document through express post. I suggest that you send me your fax number in order to send it to you through fax, as you know that am the one to hold the original copy of the contract document as your oversea representative. But if you persist to receive it through express post, am sorry you have to bear the cost and expences.

    Meanwhile Barrister Jude Moha, have already signed the document and will send it to you immediately we receive your fax line number for your confirmation. So confirm if you want us to send it to you through scaning or fax. Sir, we are sorry for the inconvinieces. If you have payed our consultation fee, I could have bear the cost and expences of the express post. I have explained to Mrs. Pamela the way you are going about this transaction and she is satisfied but wants the transaction to move a little faster.

    So confirm before we can be able to send you the contract document.

    Anticipating your urgent response.

    Ugoh Henry. Secretary to Barr. Jude Moha. +229 943 155.




    Subject: Re: Urgent Confirmation.
    Date: Fri, 30 Apr 2004 17:41:36 -0400
    From: Nicki Fellenzer <nickif@deleted.com>
    To: Jude Moha <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    References: 1

    Henry,

    I must admit I am quite distressed. Are you trying to tell me that a respected law office does not have the funds to send a certified/express letter? Are you trying to tell me that a respected firm and a honored barrister cannot provide his own postage without relying on his clients' fees?????? This will not do, Henry. I have provided a very personal, very traceable document from myself - my driver's license - which can be used in any number of horrific ways, but I trusted you with this information because I believed that you cared about the welfare of these children. Now you are claiming you do not even have the money to send me the documents I need to make these children's lives better? What is the problem here, Henry? What kind of law firm is this? Every single law firm has expense accounts for mailing, filing and courier fees. Use them.

    What you must do is provide a notarized copy of the contract - that means you keep the original, and you send me a certified copy with your signature, so that we both have legal copies of the binding contract between us. I need this and the other documentation I mentioned to:

    1 - pay the barrister 2 - initiate the adoption proceedings

    But you appear to be stalling progress, Henry, and I am not satisfied at all. Now, you have my identity proof and you need to keep your side of the bargain. I need photographs and copies of birth certificates AT LEAST to get the legal proceedings underway in the United States. Mrs. Pamela is dying and I'm quite sure she needs you to expedite the matter. I have dealt with enough attorneys to know that you pay for the post/copies/etc. and then you send me a bill, which will promptly be disregarded. Your client, Mrs. Pamela, has instructed you to expedite the matter, so please do so by sending me the documentation I need post haste. Otherwise, have your boss contact me. I am not at all happy with the way this matter has been handled.

    Sincerely,

    Papilloma Warte




    ----- Original Message -----
    From: "Jude Moha" <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    To: <nickif@deleted.com>
    Sent: Saturday, May 01, 2004 6:27 AM
    Subject: From Barr. Jude Moha.

    Attn:Mr.Papilloma Warte From:Barrister Jude Moha Esq, judemohachambers & associates. +229 943 155.

    Dear Mr. Papilloma,

    I cannot understand why you have decided not to understand that am doing my job and cannot risk spending my money without any sign of seriousness in you showing that you really want to help this woman and her children. I asked for your full information you gave me excuse that you are been monitored by the Ammerican government, are you a criminal? why are you hiding your identity and contacts? How do you want me to beleive that if this poor waman's life treasure enters your hand that you will not confiscate it and treat the children the way you like.

    I want you to understand that I cannot please you and displease myself, meanwhile i cannot neglect my legal ibligations in order to satisfy a client. I cannot spend $140 sending you a document by express post which i receiced it from you through scaning. The woman in question here is a fellow American and I am trying to make things easy for her and her children. Do you how much i spent daily on provinding some of the foods which she eats or the children that are schooling in Ghana who are responsible for their schoolfees and other thing? can't you understand the situation?.

    I will be happy to send you every document that you need both the contract document that will be binding both of us in this transaction, which have already been signed anytime you are ready to co-opearte with me. I will anticipate an urgent call on receiving this mail.

    Honourable Barrister Jude Moha Esq, +229 943 155.




    Subject: Re: From Barr. Jude Moha.
    Date: Sun, 02 May 2004 07:52:18 -0400
    From: Nicki Fellenzer <nickif@deleted.com>
    To: Jude Moha <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    References: 1

    Barrister,

    What I cannot understand is your complete misunderstanding of the political situation here in the United States. You ARE aware, aren't you, that the government is using supercomputers to monitor everything from electronic to telephone communications? You ARE aware, aren't you, that the BCIS has clamped down on requests for anyone to enter this country? You ARE, aware, aren't you, that the terrorism measures implemented in my country after the September 11 terrorist attacks have severely compromised all communications to government spying - and ESPECIALLY ones between people of my country and crooks in yours. A criminal, Barrister? I hardly think so! I am trying to protect these precious children and preserve the confidentiality of our communications as well.

    Furthermore, barrister, I have sent you not only an important legal document, but also a copy of my driver's license! If that does not prove to you the seriousness of my actions, nothing will. Are you aware that anyone, including thieves, criminals and terrorists are able to use an American driver's license to purchase, weapons, bombs and deadly diseases? But I trusted you with my very personal document - my driver's license. I trusted you to do what is right and not compromise my identity. I asked for several things in return - small things - but your obnoxious secretary was unable to provide. I asked for some pictures. My wife Gonorrhea and I want to see the children, to fall in love with them even before we meet them. But your secretary ignored my request. I asked for a simple mail transaction so that I have a copy of the contract between us, so you can get paid, but your secretary claimed you don't have the money to send a simple letter by certified mail???????????? Barrister, what kind of law office are you running? A law office that does not have a fund for things like mail, office supplies, etc.?

    I am here ready to help your client with her last request - to see that her children are safe - but you are refusing to help? I'm here working day and night in a laboratory on a cure for AIDS and you cannot send a simple contract by certified/express mail? I'm here ready to adopt two children from a sick woman, and your secretary ignores my plea for just two simple pictures of the precious tykes?

    Quite frankly, Barrister, your secretary is a git. He needs to be fired at once. Did he even show you a copy of my driver's license? Did he even show you my offer to get you Affirmed Security Standardized Home Organizational Lookout Evader (Version 2.9) at the cheapest price possible to ensure that your communications are secure? Apparently he didn't. He completely ignored my very personal and loving request for a simple thing like the children's pictures. And I'm not happy with the man at all, Barrister. If I were you, I'd immediately hire a new secretary. Henry is an obnoxious toerag.

    Nonetheless, I will tell you, he has already done damage. I am beginning to think you and your office are not on the up-and-up. Photographs of two children are not too much to ask for, are they? Provide them, and we'll continue this conversation. Ignore my request, and this conversation is over.

    Sincerely, Papilloma Warte




    ----- Original Message -----
    From: "Jude Moha" <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    To: <nickif@deleted.com>
    Sent: Monday, May 03, 2004 3:39 AM
    Subject: From Barr. Jude Moha.

    Attn:Mr.Papilloma Warte From:Barrister Jude Moha Esq, judemohachambers & associates. +229 943 155.

    Dear Mr. Papilloma,

    Thanks for your mail and the content well noted and understood. Not that I don't have money to send you the contract document by express post, but you know that when needing the service of an attorney, it's compulsory that the mobilisation fees be payed to him showing that you really needed his service at the best level. I think I have gone far in helping this family in this matter and it will be foolish for me to withdraw myself from helping them.

    I am ever ready tosend you all the documents you requested even my own passport and identity card once you are ready to co-operate with. You are working for your own interest likewise me. I have made Mrs. Pamela know of you and she insist that you are the one to help her. I have to travel to Ghana by flight to take a new pictures of the kids which will be sent to you and you know that all this is going to cost money. However if you think that am not doing my job well you have every right to consult another lawyer and once you have concluded with him I will forward him all the document not minding the money I have already spent.

    Mr. Warte, you should understand that my consultaion fee is very important and I need it from you at least to encourage me if you really want to help this family I think I have tried my best, reason along with me Mr. Man. And point of correction My secretary did only what I told him to do you don't have to blame him for anything lay the whole blame onme please. Why am been too logistic is because I have spend a lot of money for this family and I need some mobilisation that is all.

    I think by now you should understand the situation

    My regards,

    Honourable Barrister Jude Moha Esq, +229 943 155.




    Subject: Re: From Barr. Jude Moha.
    Date: Mon, 03 May 2004 17:55:04 -0400
    From: Nicki Fellenzer <nickif@deleted.com>
    To: Jude Moha <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    References: 1

    Barrister -- here in the United States, no money is paid to the attorney until the contract is signed and notarized by both parties. I dont' know the way you guys do it over there, but here it is just not done. At all. I will need my copy of the contract before paying any fee to an attorney and at the very least a receipt with a breakdown of all the fees. I agree that you have gone very far in helping this family and that you should not remove yourself from the case. But please consider our position. We are contacted by someone from a faraway land, whom we didn't even know asking us for help. We have no proof of the existence of these children, not even a photograph, which my wife Gonorrhea and I have been asking for repeatedly. At the LEAST I want to see some pictures of the children. And as far as your passport picture, you can send that via email. I assure you it will be protected by the very best electronic security system. Affirmed Security Standardized Home Organizational Lookout Evader (Version 2.9). So please don't feel like you are compromising any security by sending me the pictures and your documentation. I also have the latest version of the Computer Usage Notification Terminal.

    I eagerly await the photographs.

    Papi.




    Subject: Fwd: my Passport
    Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 06:38:41 -0700 (PDT)
    From: Jude Moha <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    To: nickif@deleted.com

    Sir This is my Passport other thing will be sending to you as soon as you copret with me, i am wathing for you nest aksion.

    thanks my brother jude moha +229 94 31 55

    SEE THE ATTACHED PASSPORT PICTURE




    Subject: Re: my Passport
    Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 18:53:17 -0400
    From: Nicki Fellenzer <nickif@deleted.com>
    To: Jude Moha <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    References: 1

    Dear Barrister,

    I am in receipt of the passport, and I have to say -- you are quite a handsome man. My wife, Gonorrhea, was very taken with you. She likes distinguished looking gentlemen such as yourself, and she was wondering if you would be amenable to an amorous rendezvous. I wouldn't mind, really.

    On another note -- I thought you were going to send me some photographs of the little ones! While you are a very good looking man, Barrister, with all due respect, we are not looking to adopt you! We are looking to adopt the children. We do so want to see their gorgeous faces! Please send some photographs while we work out the logistics of this transaction.

    I have obtained a secure fax line by which you can fax me the signed contract. It is also protected by the Computer Usage Notification Terminal. That way we can take care of the expensive express post later. The number is: 1-270-423-2706. I think, in order to fax me the document, you have to dial 011-270-423-2706. Go ahead and fax me the signed contract, and we'll work from there.

    Gonorrhea wants me to tell you that she thinks you are gorgeous and looks forward to meeting you soon.

    Please let me know when you have faxed the signed contract.

    Your brother, Papi




    From: "Jude Moha" <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    To: <nickif@deleted.com>
    Sent: Wednesday, May 05, 2004 11:06 AM
    Subject: Urgent!!!!.

    Attn:Mr.Warte From:Barrister Jude Moha Esq, judemohachambers & associates +229 943 155.

    Dear Sir,

    I have sent to you by fax the contract documents as you requested, and I have also send you the pictures of Mrs. Pamela and her children by scaning other documents will be sent to you as soon as I receive my consultation fees. Please you are adviced to pay in the money with the name of my Secretary Mr. Ugoh Henry L. through western union money transfer and inform me as soon as you have done that.

    However, I will also like to inform you that as soon as I receive the money I will also make change of ownership of the deposit certificate of the life treasury of Mrs. Pamela to your own name and after that I will proceed to the security house to claim the box. So I will now like you to inform me if you can be able to come down here in person for the final signing of the release of the box as the beneficiary/next of kin to Mrs. Pamela on behalf her children. Remember I will also have to go the ministry of public health in order to get the immunisation papers. Remember to send me the information's as soon as you have made the payment either by calling me on the phone or through mail.

    Thanks and regards, Honourable Barrister Jude Moha Esq, +229 943 155.




    Subject: Re: Urgent!!!!.
    Date: Wed, 05 May 2004 18:33:26 -0400
    From: Nicki Fellenzer <nickif@deleted.com>
    To: Jude Moha <judemohachambers@justice.com>
    References: 1

    Dear Jude -- I'm sure that's not your name, but oh, what the hell -- I've had so much fun with you, that I might as well call you by that name anyway.

    First of all, I'd like to thank you for providing me and my friends with a great laugh. I never knew anyone could be as gullible and retarded as you have been, while attempting to perpetuate a scam to cheat people out of their life savings, but oh BOY! Did you prove me wrong!

    So let me explain a few things to you, K?

    1 - Papilloma = Human Papilloma Virus (HPV). It's a genital wart - a type of sexually transmitted disease. That means you get it from having sex with another person. I'm sure where you are you are more used to having sex with primates or even hyenas, but here - in the good ole USA - we have sex with other humans. Don't worry, though. You can't get HPV from a monkey, so go on doing what you're doing, OK?

    2 - Gonorrhea = another type of sexually transmitted disease. I'm not sure if you can get it from a monkey or not, but you are welcome to try.

    3 - Affirmed Security Standardized Home Organizational Lookout Evader = The acronym is ASSHOLE. You do know what an asshole is, right? If not, I'll contact Papilloma Warte to explain it to you. He's a doctor.

    4 - Domestic Investigation Computer Keyword Hacker Evader Assistance Database = The acronym is DICKHEAD. That means the head of a penis.

    5 - Computer Usage Notification Terminal = The acronym is CUNT. That's a not real nice word for where babies come out of a woman, OK?

    Are you getting the idea yet? If not, let me explain a few things about the contract you signed.

    First of all, the seal of the law firm portrays a stunning naked man with his ass pointed toward you and his penis hanging low. I'm surprised you hadn't noticed that, honey, because it's quite obvious. I wouldn't expect you to know Latin, so I would not expect you to understand that the words on the seal mean "Really Absurd Letter" nor would I expect you to understand the little verbal play on the lawfirm's name. But I would expect you to at least have someone translate this thing to you before you signed and agreed to it. Here is what you have agreed to:

    1 - Adoption services and financial services. 2 - Jerking off for the camera and saving the pictures (that means stroking your own penis, spanky) 3 - Sucking the penis of a hairy rhesus monkey, taking pictures and saving them for me 4 - Getting large objects shoved up your ass and getting sexually abused with whips and chains because you are a complete moron; AND 5 - Giving me a large sum of money - however much I want.

    I have printed out the "contract" you signed, and I am going to frame it, Jude. Really. I haven't laughed so hard in years.

    Does anyone really ever fall for the "I'm a poor widow with AIDS and I want you to adopt my children and take my fortune" scam? If they do, they must be even more stupid than you are, and that's quite an accomplishment, I have to tell you!

    See, no person IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would give up her children to a stranger over the internet after contacting them through email. You never know what kind of pervert or scumbag would grab your children and sell them into sexual slavery for three bucks. And no person with even half a brain would actually transfer money to some greedy dickwad posing as a lawyer whose knowledge of the language is so bad, he would actually sign a contract that compels him to suck off a monkey. But maybe you like that kind of stuff -- I don't know.

    By the way, "Mrs. Pamela's" treatment recommendation included being injected in the ass by camel sperm (hopefully directly from the camel), and having a large vegetable (Spaghetti squash) shoved into her vagina. That's going to be an expensive treatment, right? Is that the treatment you are going to recommend to her doctors from me? If so, buttboy, I'd certainly like some pictures! There are websites that will pay a lot of money to see a woman mounted by a camel! Really! Maybe you should get in contact with them. They might give you money, because I certainly will not.

    Also, I have to admit that I have been blind copying my friends in on this little joke, so you have been humiliated in front of lots of people. But it really is no less than what scumsucking thieves like you, who live to steal people's earnings deserve.

    Here's a clue, Jude. Before you pretend to be an attorney, you might want to learn how to read legal documents!

    Thanks for the laugh, bonehead!

    It's been GREAT!