Michael Z. Williamson
  • The Ten Manliest Firearms

    This article was written around 2008 for a Viking-themed troll site, long since gone. We extolled all the best things in life--crushing enemies, seeing them driven before us, passionate cries of the women, lifting weights, shooting guns, taking steroids, eating meat, voting Republican. At least half of these are things some of us actually believed in.

    It's archived here for amusement. There are two technical facts that I believe I fixed before it saw print-print in Tour of Duty and it's outdated as to prices. Hey, I wrote it in about 20 minutes.



    This was a hard piece to write, because guns by definition are manly, except for Berettas, gold-plated TEC9s, .25 caliber pistols or anything made by the French. To simplify things, I have limited it to modern cartridge firearms a man might, can, and should collect and shoot. There are certainly other manly weapons, and you may have a different list.As long as the list contains nothing French, gold-plated, .25 or with pearl grips (which Patton correctly observed are the mark of a New Orleans pimp), it is a good list.

    #10: SMLE

    The 10 SMLE was the other great weapon of the Modern British Empire (The Brown Bess musket being the first). Several MILLION Short Magazine Lee Enfields in .303 caliber are still spread across the Earth, waiting to be used to evolve the species by killing the weak.

    The Smelly, as it is called by those who love it, can be re-barreled in .308 (And was, by the Indians at the Ishapore Arsenal). There are still several billion rounds of .303 surplus out there, however, and it is still loaded by modern manufacturers. Karamojo Bell was such a testosterone laden bastard he used to hunt ELEPHANT with one. Forget .470 Nitro Express and .375 Holland& Holland Magnum. This was a warrior par excellence.

    The Smelly is still the fastest bolt action out there, and a trained soldier (All Brits have Viking blood in their veins, either from the Norse, or those lesser Danes, but probably both) can fire just about around a second in volley fire, and easily a round every five seconds aimed. It's an ugly stick with a barrel on it, and a bayonet lug that mounts either a spike big enough to crucify someone, or a blade the size of a small sword. The front end of a SMLE is the bad end of a SMLE. You want to be on the good end, behind it.

    It was used in WWI by Brits, Canadians, Aussies, Kiwis, some Americans and various allies. It slaughtered Turks and Germans. In WWII, it slaughtered more Germans and Italians. Okay, maybe bragging about dead Italians isn't so great, but it also killed Sicilians. And killing Germans definitely is a mark of manliness, because they also carry strong Viking genes. It was used in Burma, Malaysia and throughout the Pacific against the Imperial Japanese. It has won many wars.

    Best of all, with so many still out there, the prices are quite reasonable, and spare parts are plentiful. Of course, the Smelly doesn't break down much, so you shouldn't need spare parts, except the safety lever, and why would a real warrior worry about the safety? If you shoot someone, it's because you intended to and they deserved to die. If you can't find a Smelly near you, you may also carry a Lee-Enfield #4Mk 1 and feel just as manly, it being the final offspring of the line.

    Image from Wikipedia.

    #9: Mosin-Nagant M44

    Mosin-Nagant M44Speaking of guns without safeties, here's the Mosin-Nagant M44 Carbine from Russia. The Mosin was used by the Russians against theFinns, theFinns against the Russians, the Estonians against the Russians, theRussians against the Russians, and the Russians against the Germans. It does, in fact, have a safety, but it's quite hard to engage. But this is not a complaint one would ever voice in the Red Army. Your officer would reply, "Safety? Safety? Is gun! Meant to kill! No warrior should know he has safety on gun, because he should be killing enemies of homeland! Safety make loud click to aid enemy in locating warriors! No safety!" while pounding his fist on the table.

    And the Mosin can kill enemies of homeland. The muzzle blast will vaporize green growth within a few feet of the muzzle, and even if you miss, the enemy will be reduced to shouting "WHAT?" to communicate. You'll need a recoil pad or shooting jacket. Ordinarily, this might be considered unmanly, but this rifle has a short stock for using while wearing several layers of wool for a Russian winter. It is acceptable to wear padding to fire a Mosin.

    Of course, there are also M38, 91/30 and other variations of Mosin-Nagant and all are cool. All, also (except the M38), come with a bayonet. Russian doctrine held that the bayonet was mounted except while traveling in a vehicle, because the Russians understood that an empty rifle could still be a pointy stick—a Viking spear. The Russians loved to spear Turks. So, coincidentally, did the Vikings. This rifle sounds better all the time, doesn't it?The Finns used the Mosin as a sniper rifle during the Winter War, and their greatest Sniper was Simo Häyhä, who had 500 confirmed kills in 100days. This is a man the Finns describe as "modest" and"self-effacing." It's a good thing the Russians didn't run into a Finn who was proud and arrogant. They'd have been wiped out.

    It fires a 7.62X54R (for "Rimmed") cartridge, about as powerful as.30-06, and holds the distinction of being in service from 1891 to the present, longer than any other military cartridge. It is still used inDragunovs, PKMs and other Russian weapons. It's cheap in quantity. So are the rifles, because they were built for (all variations) over 70 years, by Russia, Finland, Poland, Romania, even the US. As I write this, arsenal-new M44s are $55 to $200. At that price, you should have several, so any guests you have during the Collapse can be outfitted as they receive Enlightenment. Then they can rape, kill, sack and loot with the rest of the men who secure a new Dark Ages to hasten the new renaissance. It will be a manly duty.

    #8: GLOCK

    The GLOCKThe GLOCK is feared by liberals. It's called "plastic" and"ceramic"and "capable of going through airport metal detectors." If this were true, it would be the coolest gun on Earth. But these things are totallies, and serve to point out that liberals are not men, and have no honor. The GLOCK has a plastic frame molded over a kilogram of metal(84% of the weight is metal), and will in fact, show up on any metal detector. So will the dense plastic.

    Yes, the correct spelling is GLOCK. GLOCK insists so. As they are men and wish to loudly announce themselves, this should always be respected.

    But the GLOCK is tough. How tough? This tough! To summarize: The GLOCK in question has not been cleaned in ten years, has been buried in dirt, saltwater, gravel, talc, dropped from a plane, dragged behind s car, tossed off a roof, driven over with a truck, and it still works.Gaston Glock didn't know anything about guns, and started from the ground up, thus not having any preconceived notions and incorporating the best technology available. It is an almost flawless killing machine.

    GLOCKs came originally in 9mm, and have also been made in various numbers in 10mm, .40S&W, .380, 9X21mm, .357 Sig and .45 GAP. However,the only acceptable caliber for a man to carry is .45 ACP. 10mm is good but hard to find, .40S&W is a wussified 10mm that the FBI created when it found out its agents weren't manly enough for 10mm, .357 Sig is excellent but hard to find, .45 GAP is new and untested, .380 is only acceptable as a backup caliber, and no man would be found dead with a 9mm. Actually, a man knows he WOULD be found dead with a 9mm, because a 9mm is a .45 set on stun, and real men do not believe in stun.

    GLOCKs are not cheap. They are much in demand by police and military around the world. Fascist European pussies refuse to sell them toIsrael, because they secretly like the idea of dead Jews. The Israelis,being practical and almost as manly as Vikings, acquire GLOCKs anyway. If Viking king Harald Hardraada were alive today, his symbol of power would be a GLOCK 21.

    #7: Swiss K31 Carbine

    "While traveling around Switzerland on Sundays, everywhere one hears gunfire, but a peaceful gunfire: this is the Swiss practicing their favorite sport, their national sport. They are doing their obligatory shooting, or practicing for the regional, Cantonal or federal shooting festivals, as their ancestors did it with the musket, the arquebus orthe crossbow. Everywhere, one meets urbanites and country people, rifle to the shoulder, causing foreigners to exclaim: 'You are having a revolution!"

    - General Henri Guisan

    K31 Carbine Switzerland has not been invaded in 800 years, because every man and most of the women are issued guns which they keep at home. Imagine a government that not only allows but INSISTS its citizens keep military grade weapons. That's points right there. Even more, they hold quarterly Schuetzenfests, at which shooting, carousing and drinking are expected. And it's entirely possible you will have your ass handed to you by a 13 year old girl shooting a select-fire StG90 assault rifle that she carried to the range from school, slung across her back while pedaling her bicycle. Swiss GIRLS are better men than most allegedly-male American liberals.

    There is a story, possibly apocryphal but awesome nonetheless, that a ranking German (possibly the Kaiser) was visiting and watching the Swiss military on their summer maneuvers. He asked the Swiss commander,"How big a force do you command?"

    The Swiss general confidently replied, "I can mobilize one million men in twenty-four hours."

    The German asked, "What would happen if I marched five million men in here tomorrow?"

    The Swiss replied, "Each of my men will fire five shots and go home."

    Note that Switzerland was not invaded during either World War, and still used an updated version of the same bolt action rifle from 1889 to 1959, and kept it in reserve service until 1980.

    The Swiss K31 carbine is…well, the Swiss Watch of rifles. It is precise, sturdy, accurate, powerful and unusual in having a straight pull bolt action. It might as well be semi-auto, if a gas tube had just been added. But the Swiss are traditionalists and not afraid of it.

    The K31 packs a kick. It fires a 7.5 mm Swiss round that is expensive, because it only comes from Switzerland and it's only available in match grade. There is no non-match grade Swiss Ammo. Swiss soldiers don't miss. This is why they've never had to demonstrate the fact. Invaders fear a mountain range full of snipers.

    The K31 is available surplus for $100-$160, in conditions varying from "Arsenal new" to "Beaver chewed." The beaver chewed version is because the Swiss, when performing their summer drills, tend to use the rifle butts to pound TENT STAKES when they run short of mallets. It is an ugly but durable weapon, from a nation that respects the warrior spirit. As a bonus, when buying one surplus, one may find a card under the buttplate identifying the gentleman who was issued it. This is an awesome historical detail: a warrior's weapon with the warrior's mark on it. Some people have even managed to contact the soldier or his family from this information.

    #6: AK47

    Automat Kalashnikov, AK47 Another communist piece of trash, and I say that with the greatest respect. The Automat Kalashnikov in 7.62X39mm is simple enough for a third world peasant. It's quite robust. It is muzzle heavy and thus shoots well in full auto, though it is unlikely you can own a full auto one legally. Still, in semi, the weight helps a bit with rapid fire. The AK can be called anything except pretty and accurate, and it lacks a bolt stop to hold the action open when empty. On the other hand, you can bury it in the mud for a week and it will still fire after you urinate in it to sluice the mud out. You can also elect to get a variation of the newer AK74 and AK100, in 5.45X 39mm. Also look atValmet, Finland, who makes AKs with their own name. These AREaccurate,but pricey. The AK is one of the two most popular and common military rifles in the world today. It is a must for a warrior's armory.

    #5: Smith & Wesson Model 29

    Smith and Wesson Model 29, Dirty Harry The .44 Magnum, as carried by Dirty Harry, is the quintessential man's gun. Harry took no crap from anyone. Any cop who clutches a thug in the elevator in front of his attorney and the prosecutor, compares him to dog shit and implies impending death is doing Odin's work.

    Did you know that in "The Eiger Sanction" Clint decided the stunts were too dangerous for him to ask anyone to do them for him, so he learned mountain climbing and was the last climber up the Totem Pole in MonumentValley, before climbing the Eiger? That scene with the 1000 foot drop below and he has to cut his rope? Yup. Clint did that stunt. He writes his own music (he's an accomplished jazz pianist), performs it and directs most of his movies. He ran for mayor of Carmel, then left after one term. A modest, competent man and a role model for all. He should play heavy metal to be perfect, but he was also born in 1930 (meaning he was 43 when he climbed that mountain), so we can excuse the jazz bit. At least it's not rap, country or disco.

    Even without that manly vote, the Model 29 was designer Elmer Keith's triumph: A hand cannon that packs as much wallop as many mid-range rifles. It can be used to hunt fairly large game, and it will put athug down with extreme pain. Mercifully, the pain will fade concurrently with blood loss from the gaping hole it leaves.

    It's a comfortable revolver, and if .44 Magnum is too much, you can load it with .44 Special instead. It is stronger than it needs to be, quite accurate, and instantly recognizeable. Carrying it in a well-made leather holster says that you are, in fact, a man and you take no crap.

    #4: AR-15

    Lots of people will dispute my choice of this rifle. Those people are whiners and pussies. Let's look at the facts: The Air Police grabbed it under direction from General Curtis leMay. Upon seeing it in Vietnam, the Green Berets, SEALs, and SAS jumped on it, to be followed by the Singaporean Special Forces and the Israelis. It soon became standard. Certainly, there were problems early on, in part because the limp wristed twits in Army Logistics made changes to the weapon and ammo without consulting with the designer, Eugene Stoner. The USMC (the manliest men of the manliest military on the planet, and trueVikings—shipboard warriors who strike fear into their enemies just by existing) were called in to remedy some of those flaws with the M16A2.

    It works well in the desert, as long as it's not over lubed—the direct gas system blows dust out with every shot. All myths aside, the 5.56 mm round has killed a LOT of Asian losers who thought they could screw with Americans and come out ahead. If anyone doubts it, I have a standing offer to meet them at 500 yards and we'll swap fire. I get to shoot first. At 500 yards, a 5.56mm still packs more energy than a .45 ACP does at the muzzle. That's plenty of power. And it's not a sniper rifle. You should not be engaging at that range with an assault rifle. It's made to be light, deadly and face-to-face. It's the modern equivalent of the Viking's bow and broadsword.

    What can you do with this rifle? What CAN'T you do with it? It can be converted to .22, 6mm, 6.8mm, .300 Fireball, 9mm, .50 Beowulf. All you have to do is press two pins and swap upper receivers. You can have anything from a 6" pistol to a 24" match rifle in a matter of minutes. It can be equipped with scopes, sights, lights, lasers, grips, slings,counterweights, pouches, compartments, underslung launchers and shotguns, bayonets and probably a kitchen sink. The USMC is impressed enough to have designed an M16A4 and plans to carry it for some time. At 45 years and counting, it holds the record for rifle service life in the US military,was and still is the rifle of choice of several elite units. Third world peasants carry AK47s. Elite experts carry AR15s.

    AR15 I've used military versions of the M16, M16A1, M16A2, M16A3, M4, M4A1,XM177, GAU-5, manufactured by Colt, H&R, FN, civilian rifles fromBushmaster, Armalite, Eagle, Olympic Arms, Cavalry Arms, PWA and others. Conditions varied from Arctic, desert, swamp, woodland, field, urban. Problems? Few and far between. Clean out the crud, dry and lightly oil per the manual. Real men DO read manuals, regarding instruments of death.

    Manly Firearms, Manly Guns I've attached the following pictures, to show the phallic excess one can achieve for a laugh, and to prove that my 9 year old daughter is more ofa man and warrior than you. But you can get there if you work at it,and start by buying a good gun and learning how to use it. AR15s start at $550 and go up. Generally, the manlier the more expensive, but over $2000 indicates you are just showing off.

    #3: Remington 870

    Remington 870 Geek with a .45 says, "The pump action shotgun is sort of a Swiss Army gun." He's correct. You can hunt birds, squirrels, deer, criminals or terrorists.

    The Remington 870 has been around for decades. It is easy to maintain, easy to find parts for, almost flawlessly reliable, can be outfitted with a broad variety of accessories that enhance its inherent and undisguisable lethality. I recommend a 20" barrel with an extended 7 round magazine, plus one in the chamber, alternating buckshot and slugs. Or you can go with all buckshot. This affords the opportunity to fire 8 rounds with 9 pellets each of 000 buck, measuring approximately 9mm, in about two and a half seconds with practice. That's twice the output of an Uzi with better hit probability and more power. In other words, as guns go, it is very well hung.

    For hunting, I'd recommend a 24" barrel with changeable choke tubes. You can get longer, but don't really need it.

    The only real disadvantage to a shotgun is range. 100 yards is about the limit, and less with shot. This is offset by the advantages of a reassuring "kaCLACK" as you cycle it (reassuring to you. Gut-wrenching to your target), massive firepower that can leave a man standing dead, looking down at a hole in his torso big enough to toss a dog through, versatility of ammo, simplicity and low cost. You can often get one police surplus for under $150, used, and new for under $300.

    Every house needs at least one pistol, rifle and shotgun. THIS is the shotgun if you can afford it. By all means buy a more modern Benelli as well, but the 870 is still the American standard. When the revolting scum start rioting like chimps and burning cars in the streets of America, it will quickly come to a stop because of Viking-sired rednecks with Remington 870 pump action shotguns.

    #2: Colt Model 1911A1 .45 ACP

    Colt Model 1911A1 .45 ACP John Moses Browning is the patron saint of shooters and weapon designers. This was a man so manly that his sole purpose in life was to create weapons to kill tasty animals and the enemies of our nation in job lots. These weapons were so successful that both sides used the HiPower in WWII, and the US Army is fixing its unmanly error of the 9mm by calling for bids on a new .45, while the Marine Recon units and certain other Special Operations units are STILL using the Model 1911A1 with a few improvements, 96 years after it was first fielded.

    There are many versions of the 1911. The patent is expired, and dozens of companies produce a version. What can you expect? Real warriors know a good gun, and this gun is the most popular for that reason. This is a pistol so manly that during WWII, it was even made by Singer Sewing Machine, and collectors prize that version for its rarity. The 1911 is THE pistol people think of when the word is invoked. In fact, when I am World Dictator, the only pistols that will be allowed to be produced will be the 1911 and the GLOCK.

    The 1911 is available in long slide, standard, short, bobbed, officer's models (slightly more compact), with dozens of accessories and custom shapes, in chrome, nickel, stainless, blued steel, Damascus, aluminum, titanium and plastics. All are good. The one caution is that some effete whimps have persuaded makers to produce some NON .45 versions, in .38 Super, 9mm and other inferior chamberings. A real man may carry a more powerful 10mm version, but he better have a .45 ACP slide and barrel at home as backup.

    #1: Barrett M82 .50 caliber rifle

    Barrett M82 .50 Caliber RifleRonnie Barrett is a true modern Viking. He hunts big game. He plays with guns. One day in the late 70s, he thought to himself, "Wouldn't it be cool if there was a RIFLE that fired the same .50 BMG cartridge as Saint John Browning's Heavy Machine Gun?" So he built it. That's manly.

    When the metrosexual Kalifornia wusses were wetting their pants over"assault rifles," he got dragged into the argument. You see, Ronnie sells many weapons to police departments, for use in stopping bad guys,so they claim. By "bad" guy they sometimes mean tattooed gangbanger. They also sometimes mean balding, pony-tailed, pot-smoking hippie, though. After all, this IS Cretinfornia.

    But that wasn't enough for Commiefornia. They had a ban on "assaultweapons" (An "assault weapon" is a semantically null political term that means "It can be used to hurt people." As the REAL commies in Russia,who were men descended from Vikings (at least the ones in charge) would note, "Of course hurts people. Is weapon." You may as well refer to your "house home." The wussy definition of "Assault weapon" bears no resemblance to the US military's definition. It comes down to, "It's black and makes us poo poo in our panties!"

    So, even with a ban on "assault weapons" that included most self-loading rifles, including Barrett's M82 Light Fifty, the People's Republic of Kalifornija wanted more. They dragged one of his rifles from the LASWAT armory and used it (Illegal for civilians to own, mind you), as a horrible example of weapons that Must Be Banned Lest They Pollute Our Precious, Bodily Fluids.

    They got their ban, because their voters are the type of trilling limpwrists one sees portrayed in movies as stereotypes … only in Californica they're not stereotypes, they're typical. It must suck to be a real man on the Left Coast.

    Now, Ronnie is not a metrosexual wuss. Ronnie is, in fact, a real testosterone-laden Viking MAN. He warned them then, then he told them, he would oppose them in their pursuit. And Ronnie does not make idle threats. He is a man of his word.

    A few weeks later, LA SWAT sent one of these rifles that they use for shooting fleeing mopeds back to Barrett for maintenance … and Ronnie sent it right back to them, untouched, contract canceled, with polite instructions to stick it somewhere dark and smelly and ride it straight to hell. Not only that, he publicly and proudly announces in all his advertising that he WILL NOT sell to or deal with ANY government entity in communist third world Kali.

    And THAT, ladies and gentleman, is a MAN. While not everyone can afford or make use of his wonderful toys, it's certainly an honor and privilege to promote a real modern Viking who understands the application of bowel-emptying terror, and how to tell friend from foe.

    And there's more! After securing military contracts for anti-material sniping (Generators, vehicles, radars, etc), and facing the wrath of Sarah Brady and her Gun-Grabbing Sideshow (which wrath he snickered at, it having all the intimidation of an angry kitten and Ronnie, as we noted, being a Viking), he gave the ultimate middle finger gesture and redesigned the weapon into 25 mm, or TWICE as big. This is a man so cool even his sperm smoke unfiltered Camels. And that makes this gun the manliest gun on Earth.

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