Michael Z. Williamson
  • 10 More Manly Guns

    10 More Manly Guns

    Previously I compiled a list of the Ten Manliest Firearms. I noted that variations on the list were certainly acceptable, but still ran into a bunch of grief from non-men who were unable to read, nor to grasp that real men don't care if other real men disagree with them. Still, there are a LOT of guns out there, so I figured it was time to compile another list. You should own all of these guns before Zero takes office, and then buy more until he wets his pants and blubbers like the wuss he is. And if you don't like this list, compile your own, or wait for the next one.

    #10 1895 Nagant Revolver

    1895 Nagant Revolver

    This is the revolver used to invent the game of Russian Roulette, and not that pansy one round in a cylinder version. The original version was to remove one round and play with six in the seven round cylinder. That tells you what Imperial Russians thought of the Bullshiviks. Yes, I spelled it that way on purpose. Imagine the balls it takes to raise that to your head, knowing there's almost an 86% chance (85.7%, and you gain a SLIGHT edge from the weight of the other cartridges tending to improve the odds of the empty cylinder*) you're going to blow your brains out.

    The trigger pull is also manly—17 lbs in double action. That's because the cylinder actually moves forward to seal the breech, making this the only revolver you can effectively silence. Not that a man should NOT use a silencer, of course. If you kill someone, everyone should know about it. Still, that sealed breech does add a slight improvement in velocity.

    The downside is that 7.62 Nagant is not the most robust of rounds. However, it is currently in production. You can also get a conversion cylinder that fires .32ACP, and a gunsmith can ream it out to fire .32 Smith and Wesson and .32 H&R Magnum as well.

    *And if you can do that calculation while spinning and pointing, you're a man among men.

    #9 1893 Turkish Mauser

    1893 Turkish Mauser

    An odd choice, you might think. However, you may not have all the facts. It fires common 8mm Mauser, the preferred German round from 1888 through the 1950s in various loadings. That's a little bigger than .30-06 and about as powerful. It served to kill Frenchmen in WWI and Commies and Frenchmen in WWII, among others. It's reliable and cheap (both the ammo and the platform).

    It's also legally an antique. Weapons manufactured before 1899 (and some other categories we won't discuss) are not firearms. Yes, they shoot ammo and kill people, but due to one of the many, many, many, many, many stupid, irrelevant and cowardly gun control laws by panty-pissing liberal slime, such rifles and revolvers are not considered to be firearms. This means you can send them through the mail. Yes, really. A Federal Firearms Licensee (Gun dealer) can't even enter it into his books as a firearm, because it's not. These are one of the last bastions of freedom. You should own several.

    #8 Colt Python

    Colt Python

    There are revolvers, and then there are revolvers, and then there's the Python. One of, if not the, best fit and most accurate revolvers, and in .357 Magnum. The Python is all that, and elegant and classy as well. This is the kind of gun you wear to dinner, in a well-tooled leather holster cut to show off its lines. It's jewelry, if real men wore jewelry, which they do not. Except things like this.

    #7 98K Mauser

    Colt Python

    The rifle used by German Bastards! as Patton called them. The 98 action was copied for the 1903 Springfield (and the poor Mauser brothers sued, won, and then had the settlement seized as part of WWI. Why? It wasn't their fault), and is still used for the best hunting rifles, either directly, or as a CZ or Winchester, among other brands. It's accurate, durable and reliable, and a neat piece of history. I have one in my collection that was used to kill Commies on the Eastern Front, then was captured by the Commies, rearsenaled and used to kill Nazis. It's twice as cool.

    #6 FAL

    Fusil Automatique Legere, FAL

    The Fusil Automatique Legere is a heavy bitch. Battle rifles generally are. It was called, "The right arm of the Free World" and was NATO standard for decades. It was used by most of the former British Empire, most of South America, Japan and other nations. It's still used by a few. It manages what the M14 failed to do, which is to be a rifle and a squad weapon. It's reliable, simple and shits all over that HundK clone of the CETME, the G3. Rainbow Six players like HundKs. Real warriors would go for the FAL.

    #5 CZ550 in .600 Overkill

    CZ550 in .600 Overkill

    One day, an American scientist from Nevada decided to pack the biggest, most powerful cartridge possible into a Mauser action. The result was the .600 Overkill. This is not just an advertising name. This is a gun so insanely powerful it can put a solid bronze bullet SIX FEET into an oak log. The bullet going through the rifling can twist the barrel right out of the shooter's hand, and recoil is "manageable" in a 14 lb gun with three mercury recoil reducers. Sure, you could get a fancy double Eurorifle…if you sold your house. This is more affordable, more powerful, cruder, more atavistic…in short, more AMERICAN. And manlier.

    #4 Martini-Henry

    Martini-Henry Rifle

    Rorke's Drift was the British Empire's equivalent of the Alamo, except the defenders won. Balls the size of melons, stiff upper lips, Martini-Henry rifles, and yards of bayonet. This is a rifle with a point blank range exceeded by the length of barrel and steel. And what steel! It doesn’t matter if you get caught reloading (The Martini-Henry is a falling block single shot. Real British men only needed one shot), because you have a bayonet long enough to skewer a goat, an Arab, a couple of onions and a chicken. Bring it on.

    #3 Webley

    Webley .455

    The Webley .455, nicknamed the Wobbly, was the British service sidearm for a long time. It’s certainly not concealable, but why would you? This is a weapon you’re proud to show a thug, and if you run out of bullets, you can always proceed to brain him with the thing. It breaks open, takes 6 large cartridges, and many have their cylinders shaved to take .45 ACP in moon clips.

    It's manly no matter how you look at it. There's no shame in being put down by a Webley. Better men than you have been given a .455 dirt nap.

    "How did he die?"
    ".455 Webley through the skull."
    "Damn, that sucks. Manly way to die, though."

    No one would say that about James Bond's .32.

    #2 M1 Garand

    M1 Garand

    I don't like the Garand. It has a legion of flaws and few useful traits. However, for its time, it was state of the art, and that time did coincide with WWII. A great many Nazi and Jap bastards learned to fear the Garand, with good reason. The WWII American forces were definitely manly, so their rifles were manly by definition. It fires a slightly downloaded .30-06, and was the arm of a great many MoH winners and millions of unsung heroes. In its time, General George S. Patton described it as, “The finest battle implement ever devised.”

    You can still buy Garands from the US Government, delivered directly to your door, in order to exercise your rights and duties as a member of the militia. Contact the Civilian Marksmanship Program at www.odcmp.com All real men and women should do this.

    #1 Browning 1919A4

    Browning 1919a4

    There's not much manlier than a belt fed weapon. A great many Browning .30s are available converted to semi auto, or a man skilled with tools can build his own sideplate and have one completely legal, paperwork free and cheaper. This monster weighs 31 lbs, and is a "rifle." Of course, it's legal to have a crank…

    You can also drop in conversions for 7.62 NATO and 8mm Mauser. The Brits had a .303 variant, and there’s a custom 7.62X54R variant, also. The Israelis, bless them, make a metal link that fits 8mm, .30-06 and 7.62. You can also use old cloth belts. Best of all, it’s Commiefornia legal, the Sniveling Wussbags not having found a way to define it as an “assault weapon,” which is funnier than hell when it’s one of the few weapons that might legitimately be called so.

    Being able to shoot $25 worth of ammo in six seconds means you are not afraid to waste a little ammo…or the next zombie outbreak or post-hurricane riot. It's a serious investment in time, money, equipment and training, but it marks you as THE neighborhood man, the one to seek protection from when mutant zombies, aliens or Obamabots invade.