Michael Z. Williamson
  • Naples, Florida

    Naples, Florida presents:
    First Annual
    White Trash Fancy Dress
    New Year’s Eve Party

    only $650.00 *

         * some additional expenses apply.

    What do I get for $650.00?

    The $650.00 cover charge gets you inside the exclusive Ritz-Carlton, and from there, you'll only have to buy all your drinks. Water starts as low as $5, with shots from $9. Imported beers are $7 and up.

    What about domestic beers?

    Surely you must be joking.

    What next?

    You're encouraged to have a good time. Sitting, talking softly and polite applause of the type known as golf clapping are the proper socialite methods, with the occasional dance to our hip 80's music.

    So it's a retro event?

    What's "retro"?

    So what happens after that?

    Next, you get things rolling. Simply shout or cheer, twirl your date, or climb on stage and pretend to be a professional singer.

    But I _AM_ a professional singer.

    Of course you are. And that's when the event commences.

    Tell me about the event.

    You will be harassed by our security guards, who all have sweaty armpit stains under their threadbare suits, and greasy, receding hair. Profanity and perhaps even a few shoves, space permitting, will be offered to you.

    Exciting! As you say, it's just like being a proper $80K a year gutter scum.

    Of course. Our staff pride themselves on their professionalism. Next, the local police will interfere, at absolutely no additional cost. The donut shops are closed, they prefer to pretend real crime doesn’t exist, and it’s a nice evening inside. At this point, your family joins in.

    I see. And what then?

    The police will subdue all of you.

    Isn't that dangerous?

    Yes, there's an element of risk. But, as the police will be out of their depth, there are likely to be two or three of them for each of you. This provides best attention.

    Very well. What next?

    Then our overzealous and sadistic police will break your nose and disable you with a stun gun.

    But what if I don't want my nose broken? Is there a less expensive option?

    Nose breaking is the standard item for the New Year's package.

    If it's beyond your means, we can recommend several less expensive packages. Be aware, however, that these are through other venues and we cannot guarantee your satisfaction.

    What makes your tasing special?

    Actually, it's a stun gun. A taser uses darts and, while popular, is against most civilized nations' laws. We regret that this option is not available. The stun guns we use, however, are the choicest 70,000 volt models, not the typical 50,000 volts used in Chicago or LA. We care enough to use the very best.

    I see the schedule runs through January 2nd. Why is that?

    This is a very popular package, and the extra time is necessary to ensure we serve everyone. But don't worry--there's no additional charge.

    What about accommodations?

    Just like common muggers, you'll get a steel rack, a thin mattress, hooting and hollering drug dealers and bright lights and sports on a scratched TV. We'll even take pictures to prove you were there.

    Are there other activities?

    Yes! You'll get to clean cell floors with your bare hands, share a toilet with twenty other people in full sight of the guards, wait twelve hours for the phones, and pay $3.50 for a phone call, collect only.

    Who should I call?

    Anyone you like. Be aware, however, that no phone books are included.

    What about showers?

    Showers are available, and hot water is sometimes available but we cannot guarantee it. There are no towels or soap.

    Should I bring those items?

    No. Any personal possessions will be confiscated and bagged for your safety upon arrival in your room.

    Then why have showers there?

    I can refer that to a specialist if you like. At present time, we have no answer to that question.

    How do I get this wonderful package?

    Very simply--just show up not wearing a tux. We'll know you're truly slumming and desirous of this lower class event. A nice sports jacket and tie will be all you need. For best effect, combine with a white cotton shirt to catch the blood. We promise you'll feel like a proper piece of white trash, and will have a New Year's Eve you'll never forget.

    Wow! And all that for only $650.00? Are there hidden expenses?

    There may be incidentals like additional drinks and bail bonds. Also, any large amounts of cash on your person may be held temporarily as evidence of potential drug dealing--it's all part of how we make you really feel the event.

    You mentioned photos. Are there other memorabilia?

    It’s possible the media will throw a circus. However, for that to happen, you’ll have to make your own arrangements. It’s easiest if you’re somebody relevant. The police will appreciate this—anything that allows them to look gung ho on crime by tacking on dozens of charges gives them a warm, fuzzy feeling. They’ll heap additional blame and scorn on you for failing to call ahead and make celebrity reservations. Be advised, however, that the police have their own procedures beyond the on premises thuggery.

    What about placards and protests?

    That’s up to you to arrange.

    Thanks. How do I sign up?

    Just call our operators at Naples, Florida - Mayor's office.

    Click here for more Info...

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