Greetings, fellow citizens.
You may have noticed most of the country losing their collective minds. Relax.┬á I'm here to put things right.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: Coronavirus is contagious, but presents with no symptoms in the majority of those infected. ┬áOf those presenting, most only experience a cold. At the extreme end, it can cause pneumonia and death.┬á Complicating factors are: Age, heart conditions, breathing issues (COPD, Asthma), immunocompromise, diabetes. ┬áBasically, if you're old and/or frail, this crap can kill you.
Got that? Good. So, if you are one of those, you should try to sequester yourself as much as possible. Get friends or family to drop off supplies for you. Minimize contact with other people.
WHAT THE STATE IS DOING FOR YOU: For the duration, your employer will not be able to fire you for quarantining yourself. We are encouraging them to pay you if they can afford it, and reducing their tax burden by the amount of your compensation.┬á If they can't, our agencies stand ready with help for utilities, food, etc. I have appointed a special task force, and if you have no local friends or family, the National Guard will drop off food and supplies to you.
IF YOU ARE NOT AT SIGNIFICANT RISK: Wash your damned hands. Don't shake hands. Don't breathe or sneeze on people. Seriously, didn't you learn all this in kindergarten?┬á Try to keep some distance.
DON'T PANIC:┬á If you see a bunch of people having fun at a park, relax.┬á There is no way you can get infected at a distance based on their cheerfulness. Just avoid them and you'll be fine.
EVENTS: We will do our damndest not to cancel any public events, because the hospitality industry runs on narrow margins and employs a lot of people. We'll use a lot of bleach and scrubbing between events, with extras borrowed, if necessary, from the National Guard.┬á It may surprise you, but military people are really freaking good at detail oriented cleaning. It's almost as if they get specific training in it.┬á
IF CLOSURES BECOMES NECESSARY, WE WILL STAGE ACCORDINGLY: Three weeks ahead, events will be advised of potential shutdowns so they can either cancel preparations by choice, or tell their attendees to stand by.┬á Two weeks ahead, the event will be cancelled so travel, transport, and other preparations are not wasted. We're not shutting down months of events based on a vague, undefined threat.
SOME OTHER STATES ARE COMPLETELY FLIPPING THEIR LIDS and trying to end civilization with complete lockdowns. This isn't 1346 and this isn't the Black Plague.┬á Take a deep breath and wash your hands again.
SUPPLIES:┬á You do not need 50 extra rolls of bogwipe, nor a pallet of water--the water from your faucet is perfectly safe, can be settled or boiled, and plenty of filters exist.┬á You don't need 400 lbs of meat, either.┬á God gave you a brain. Use it. Make a list of consumables, try to get two weeks' worth (Why didn't you already?) and stand by. This will all be over soon.
VIRUSES ARE NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY, but we experience literally thousands of them in our lifetimes. Be cautious, be careful, and remain calm.
Signed: The gov